Saudade: An Infantyman's Emotion.

"…The pride of the infantryman comes not from knowing that he’s doing a job that others can’t, but that he’s doing a job that others simply won’t. Many infantrymen haven’t seen a lot of combat. While that may sound ideal to the civilian or non-infantry soldier, it pains the grunt. …" (an excerpt from the attached link. If you have to choose between reading the writing below and the passage that is on the page I've linked, click the link. )

That line hits home the most for me since I got discharged early from my injuries. Although, for me at least, the pain comes from being here while my brothers, the men I've come to know and love, are over there risking their lives and dying and I should be over there with them, watching their backs just as they would watch mine, but instead I have to sit at home and watch the news, and hope that today will not be the day that I get the news of a friend not coming back safe. Most can never, truly, understand why I feel that way. Hell I remember when I was staying back in Ft. Dix, as a result of injury, and everyone else was getting ready to go over to Iraq, some would talk about me malingering or trying to get out of going, all while I fought as hard as I could to get fixed and go over. I distinctly remember overhearing my XO (executive officer) at the time saying something negative about me to the CO (commanding officer) of the medical unit I was with and then hearing the CO go off on him about it because the CO knew how much I was fighting to get back. In their defense, I did fuck off a lot outside of actual training exercises in my younger years, so I can't blame them for thinking that way. I just wanted to have as much fun as I could before getting deployed, because I figured I would have another 20 or so years left in the army and of those years only a few would I not be responsible for others (I guess I hadn't learned the lead by example concept yet). What I did not expect, was that the one thing, outside of my family, that I loved, would be taken away too soon.

Every morning when I wake up, I wake up with a pain greater than the pain from the bones of my knees grinding against one another, greater than the pain in my back from 4 intervertebral discs pushing against my spinal cord, greater than the pain of my clavicle grinding against my acromion; this pain, greatest of all is the aching of my heart that comes from that empty space in my soul that was once filled with the honor of being a United States Infantryman; from having that honor ripped from my hands too soon. It is a pain and a burden that no drink, no drug, no thing can ever completely take away. Sadly, or should I say fortunately, that feeling is something I feel that even many of my fellow infantryman do not, or cannot truly understand, but if there is anyone that could understand it would be my brothers in the Infantry for it is a brotherhood that is second to none.

Now my only real regret, if you can even call it that, is that it took me a medical discharge, 2 years of opiate abuse, burning bridges with most everyone I knew, and then getting clean to finally realize that, among a vast other things, being an Infantryman is not just going out to the training fields to run drills the best you can, waking up early enough to finish PTing until your body collapses with enough time to make it to chow before 0-dark-thirty, or fearlessly charging into the killing fields of combat.The title of United States Infantryman is also about LOYALTY for your brothers, because no matter how much they try to tell you otherwise, their life is more important than your own; DUTY, not just to your unit but to that little boy walking by looking at that blue cord in awe, to the old man who sees that cord and sheds a tear of remembrance, to family members who share the burden of responsibility that comes with the Infantry Blue; RESPECT, not just for your brothers, your uniform and the flag, but for yourself as well because if cannot or do not respect yourself, no one else will either; SELFLESS SERVICE, because no brotherhood can survive if you're only watching your own six; HONOR, worth more than your life, because unlike your life, honor can never be taken, it can only be surrendered, however just as with life, once gone it is nearly impossible to get back; INTEGRITY, because the right thing needs to be done, even if no one is watching; PERSONAL COURAGE, more important than integrity because anyone can do the right thing when no one is watching, we must also be able to do the right thing even when everyone is watching. I often see the picture comparing the US Infantryman to our enemies by having our enemy hiding behind a child aiming their rifle and the American pushing the child behind them, thereby offering cover and protection at their own risk. When I see this picture, or any number of things, I can see each and every one of those values in the simple picture of the American and none of them in the other half that portrays "the terrorist". This why it takes a special person to have the privilege of going through "Sand Hill",  Camp Geiger ITB, or Camp Onofre ITB. The Army maybe say differently about their "7 core values, but that is what "LDRSHIP" means to this infantry veteran and if I could go back and change anything, it would be that I could learn this lesson in time to share it with the men I served with and that it might possibly find its way into the hearts of the next generation of America's bravest men (and women). For those with a blue cord no explanation is necessary; for those without, no explanation is possible. Infantry leads the way, HOOAH!

Sorry bout the length, but I've learned that when shit get's to me, it's best to get it off my chest than to bury it inside.